Thursdays off

Ok, so I am really getting out of sync with this updating stuff…

So news flash word jumble.

candles, rubbish, flowers, pathway, dougnuts, ambition, family, esscential, love, endless, strategy, unknow, pets, ANNOYING, yellow, purple, sadness, emotions, games, cuddles, floristry, diamonties, pests, rude, hospitals, worry, blood, negative, results, scary.

thats all for now, I have to go face my family who have delivered some really horrible news to me, on top of the fact that my ex-cunt of a boss and manager have now given me the sack for ‘not doing my job propper’ and for doing nothing and also for other such bull shit.

Shame, kinda wish I could let everyone down like that, seems I’m definately not cunt material to do so though. ELL OH ELL.

just saved a starling from the chimney!! Me and my mum make a good team :)

ONE UPON A TIME brandy is my new best friend.

along with my ipod and it’s beautiful and eloquently placed repeat button.

Jimmy is no longer my friend.

And I will watching this video “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoDPmaowA6M&feature=youtube_gdata_player” on repeat to try and feel better.

The End.

*what a beautiful story :)*

Ok, so I thought I would blog today because I’m feeling wordy…

Basically so much is changing right now. I’m not sure where to begin in documenting it.

So complicated… maybe I’ll make a quick list to sort it out from the jumble; I haven’t really been on the ball with writing lately, I’ve had too much going on. Also I was thinking about starting a new blog to cut ties with everything on here that I have documented so far. New blog new start so to speak…not that it would turn out to be any different, but I don’t think I need all this shit anymore.

SO HERE GOES.

+ Jobs
+Life
+Music
+Inspiration
+Watching

JOBS

I was offered two jobs at the end of my search for one. WHAT LUCK -_-
On the day I attended an interview for a sales job I was pondering around in M&S, obviously I’m not that bitter about leaving..*sobs*, well whilst I was in there Rosie approached me and asked me about my job situation. I told her I’d just been to an interview that had gone really well..I thought it was in the bag to tell the truth.

She points me in the direction of the Yankee Candle shop. So I go along to see what all the fuss is about, get offered a job on the spot. It sounds like madness, but that’s how it happened.. Florists aren’t exactly in abundance apparently so I agreed to show them what I got…

They loved it and honestly I was hooked, I had forgotten how happy flowers make me, when I’m manipulating their stems and making hand tieds, it’s magic! The colours, the imagination, sculpture…THE RAPTUREEE.

Well I would be head florist and assistant manager if I accepted…or I could stand on a stall asking to test peoples jewelry and gold all day by myself.

I’m a florist again and I could cry at the thought of coming this far, going through so much, complaining all the fucking way about it ofcourse… but I’m at the beginning now.

I just hope I’m ready and can do this.

Life

I’ve been really down lately, well before the career move. I have felt really disconnected to the point where I have been disconnecting myself from what/who I know. I wanted to document this here not for sympathy but for slightly more selfish reasons.

This is the last time I am going to feel that way. I’ve given too much of my energy to feeling like rubbish, to worrying and to feeling anxious. It’s not doing me any good. So here it is, I want to be myself again. I will not be told to ‘shhh’ anymore, I am not going to ‘shut up’. I will fancy everyone. I will be amused by every little childish thing. I’m going to pencil on my eyebrows because I like it. I’ll wear my eyelashes if I want.

Try and stop me from leaving the house, try and push me away again and I will leave. I’ll listen to shit music if I want to, heck I’ll be happy without your consent. Sorted.

Music

This should have been titled confidence really, because the fact that I’m enjoying singing along to my favourite songs again is a strong sign I’m getting better. I’ve even been writing some lyrics aswell and singing, quietly…. still can’t quite get over the fact that people could hear me.. Knowing that cripples me.

Inspiration

I’ve been painting and sketching a lot more recently. I’ve been baking also. I’ve found it really really therapeutic. I’m going to upload some photos soon :) My words are dwindling now… I have an idea.

Watching….

:) brb

coolm0j0 asked: What's up - Just wanted to say you have a cool blog going! I'd like to maybe use some of your stuff, hope that's OK. New follower. I'm almost at my goal if you can help me, I'd appreciate it.

Hey, thanks! You can use whatever you want I guess, what sort of thing are you trying to do? I will follow back :)

Ladies and gentlemen, below you will see a quick list of opinions I have formed on today. Today was a really shit day and it’s made me feel a wee bit mentally ill. Like that’s different from the norm anyway.

On waking up this morning:

MAKE A SANDWICH OF EGG AND CRESS FOR BREAKFAST. IT’S OK.

On trying to sort my tax out:

GET PUT ON HOLD FOR DAYS, STILL NOTHING. FILM IT SO YOU HAVE EVIDENCE OF WHAT A SHIT GOVERNMENT WE HAVE. GET CHARGED THROUGH THE NOSE FOR BEING KEPT ON HOLD. IT’S CRUMBLING.

On trying to sort out some form of income via a job:

APPLY FOR ALL JOBS, HEAR NOTHING BACK FROM ANY OF THEM. ADMIT TO YOURSELF YOU ARE A FAILURE AND PROBABLY WON’T DO ANYTHING EVER. IT’S TIME TO EAT A BAG OF CRISPS.

On trying to then apply for JSA:

APPLICATION TAKES HOURS BECAUSE IT WANTS INFORMATION ON EVERYONE EVERYWHERE, WOULDN’T MAKE ME BETTER OFF ANYWAY, SO GIVE UP. SCRAP WHOLE APPLICATION BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW THE LITHUANIAN’S NAME AND THEN THINK FUCK IT, I’LL BE POOR AND STARVE TO DEATH. IT’S WHAT I DESERVE FOR NOT HAVING A JOB AND BEING OVER TAXED ANYWAY. STUPID.

On life so far:

IT’S FUCKING SHITE. BUT ATLEAST I GET TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE I LOVE. WELL I GET TO SEE THEM ONE DAY A WEEK AND FOR THE REST OF THE DAYS I CAN WASH UP AND DO THE WASHING, PERHAPS TIDY THE FRIDGE AND SLOWLY LOOSE MY FUCKING MIND. Job done.

So I’m not dealing too well with having no money at all, no savings to speak of, no job, no plans and no company. I am really lonely, poor and hopeless right now.

I’m left pretty much on my own for the entire week, day in, day out and I’m starting to feel like I can’t leave the house. Blunt honesty really cuts through the problems right? As if this is going to change anything.

Really not sure what to do. Really can’t see the point in doing anything at all :(

Futures looking quite bleak from this stupid little box.

Everything at home is shit as well from what I read and see, so it’s not like I could run away. HECK I couldn’t even go back anyway because I’m broke.

After giving everything up to be here it’s not looking great. I can’t hack this at all :(

Bees make it. Bees have it made really. Not saying that I want to be one or anything, I just wish I was part of a hive. I feel a bit too much like a slug, no that’s gross, I feel like a lonely beetle… Or snail….If that’s any better…more appropriate.
I need to find a job/place in the world. Or I’m going to keep posting this utter crap.

Missing my family and memories, as always :) x